just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
