sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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