hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
