This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
