I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
