Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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