watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
