Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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