Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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