The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
