I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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