I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
