maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
