Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
