i love accidental penises.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
