u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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