The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
she smelled like a LAN party
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize