I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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