I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
