I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
