I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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