I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
