You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
