Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
