2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
