You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I checked into jail on foursquare
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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