i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
