I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
