shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
