Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
