I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
