Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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