ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
