I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
