I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can I color on your dick again?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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