After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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