problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
