anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
