Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
