why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
