Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just had sex on a roof
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
