btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
