All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
