The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
