We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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