Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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