Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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