omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
