A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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