i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
